I ran across some good information here. It made me realize what a blind eye I had turned for so long in a attempt to pretend that life was okay and that my all these distortions would soon pass. With kids, however, that sense of laissez-faire approach to real, pressing issues vanishes. I do struggle with the last part though: “If you are worried that your girlfriend or wife is anorexic, then the first thing you need to do is keep loving her. Try to learn more about the disorder and try to consult with someone as to how to best approach her. Offer to come with her to a doctor’s appointment and either wait outside or see the doctor with her, depending on what she’s comfortable with. Usually there is a very deep-set reason that she has gotten to this point. It didn’t happen overnight and it won’t change overnight either. But more than ever, she needs all of the love and support she can get. Get her a small gift to congratulate her when she is making progress or write her a nice note on a day she is feeling down. While anorexia is very scary, it is also treatable and by continuing to treat her with love, you can be part of the solution.”
What does that mean, to love an anorexic? A bulimic? An alcoholic? All three? I thought I was, but at times it seems that my love is not compelling any change, but rather enabling the diseases. If I love her as is, if I stay and care and nurture, it seems that any impetus to take real, lasting steps to health diminishes. My love is but a crutch that allows here to hobble along without demanding change in herself.
When I feel fed-up, older than my age, desperate, lonely, and foolish for having been blinded by desire (and perhaps by the very love I am support to continue with!) I wonder if it is even possible to love that my wife when she does not take the time to really learn to love herself.
Can it ever be the most loving thing to leave? It feels so selfish and cowardly to imagine. The thought also fills me with twinges of hope and excitement. But I don’t want to abandon her. And yet…I have done the counselling thing. I have done the caring confrontation. I have read books, professional journals, websites. It just does not seem to change. I don’t want my boys to be raised in a split home, but I don’t want them around this sickness either.
So what does it mean to love a person who clings to disease as a lifeline? What does it mean to be a loving, responsible father in such a scenario? What does it mean to be loving towards myself? Can all three merge and be left uncompromised?
The greatest thing you’ll ever learn…
…is just to love and be loved in return.
