Comments on: The greatest thing you’ll ever learn… http://drunkenbones.wordpress.com/2009/01/13/11/ A husband's tale of watching her disappear. Fri, 16 Jan 2009 01:36:28 +0000 http://wordpress.com/ hourly 1 By: All Too Sober http://drunkenbones.wordpress.com/2009/01/13/11/#comment-3 All Too Sober Fri, 16 Jan 2009 01:36:28 +0000 http://drunkenbones.wordpress.com/?p=11#comment-3 Thanks for the insight to the other side Martha. I see now that we were both playing the little charade: I not knowing the profoundly deep and sticky nature of eating disorders figured I could be the catalyst that compels real change in her life. After all, she said she loved me and love wouldn't be self-destructive, right? (I think I can hear the stifled, pitying chuckles now) and she had the same thought as you, "Ho, he's the answer. Now I'll recover." She didn't. Then a few tumultuous years later the birth control pills failed and we were parents. Again, we played our own little game of hope: this beautiful child will surely be the force that heals. Now four years later, I drive my son to school and have to field questions of why mom sleeps so much, acts funny, or wont wake up when they pile toys on her (she has adopted a drinking habit as well...). Anyway, I am glad to hear you are on the mend. 20 years! Wow. I am impressed you have been healthy for so long and left the eating disorder behind. That is refreshing to hear. I am at the point where I am doubting if she ever will let it go, or if it be how she dies. She vacillates between weeks/months of chain smoking and then long distance running; healthy eating and avoiding alcohol, and binge/purge or fasting...and can''t imagine her tiny frame surviving through it all. Thanks for the insight to the other side Martha. I see now that we were both playing the little charade: I not knowing the profoundly deep and sticky nature of eating disorders figured I could be the catalyst that compels real change in her life. After all, she said she loved me and love wouldn’t be self-destructive, right? (I think I can hear the stifled, pitying chuckles now) and she had the same thought as you, “Ho, he’s the answer. Now I’ll recover.” She didn’t. Then a few tumultuous years later the birth control pills failed and we were parents. Again, we played our own little game of hope: this beautiful child will surely be the force that heals. Now four years later, I drive my son to school and have to field questions of why mom sleeps so much, acts funny, or wont wake up when they pile toys on her (she has adopted a drinking habit as well…).

Anyway, I am glad to hear you are on the mend. 20 years! Wow. I am impressed you have been healthy for so long and left the eating disorder behind. That is refreshing to hear. I am at the point where I am doubting if she ever will let it go, or if it be how she dies. She vacillates between weeks/months of chain smoking and then long distance running; healthy eating and avoiding alcohol, and binge/purge or fasting…and can”t imagine her tiny frame surviving through it all.

]]> By: diaryofarecoveredbulimic http://drunkenbones.wordpress.com/2009/01/13/11/#comment-2 diaryofarecoveredbulimic Thu, 15 Jan 2009 16:00:03 +0000 http://drunkenbones.wordpress.com/?p=11#comment-2 Hmmm. I can't give you advice, I can only say that I am very sceptical about all that loving stuff. I was bulimic/anorexic for 13 years and have been healthy for 20. (Physically, at least, the emotional stuff takes longer to sort through -- and it comes in layers, because we can't handle everything at once.) My first impression is the sense of smothering someone with love. I fell in love a few times, and each time thought: "Oh, he's the answer. Now I'll recover." I didn't recover until I did it for myself. I'm the wrong person to give advice on marriage, as I married the wrong person and am still with him -- because of the kids. But this year I am working towards ending the marriage in the most loving way possible, to cause the least amount of damage that is possible within the framework of divorce and separation. I was grateful to my husband that he stuck by me all those years, which bound me even more to him. But I never really loved him. I just thought I wasn't lovable, so I figured I may as well hold on to him, since another one might not come along. Insane. But I didn't realize that back then. My husband was more of an authority figure for me, someone to rebel against. We were never equal. That is nobody's fault. The chemistry fit, but in the wrong way. Now I want to make the change. I believe it is best for the 4 of us, even though nobody will thank me this year! Maybe 5 years down the line. I'm just rambling and don't know anything about the particulars of your relationship. But in any case, be honest with yourself and listen to your heart. I ignored mine, and it just never shut up. Now I see I've spent years trying to change the truth, or trying to change myself to fit a truth that is not my reality. Life is strange. Good luck! - Martha Hmmm. I can’t give you advice, I can only say that I am very sceptical about all that loving stuff. I was bulimic/anorexic for 13 years and have been healthy for 20. (Physically, at least, the emotional stuff takes longer to sort through — and it comes in layers, because we can’t handle everything at once.) My first impression is the sense of smothering someone with love. I fell in love a few times, and each time thought: “Oh, he’s the answer. Now I’ll recover.” I didn’t recover until I did it for myself. I’m the wrong person to give advice on marriage, as I married the wrong person and am still with him — because of the kids. But this year I am working towards ending the marriage in the most loving way possible, to cause the least amount of damage that is possible within the framework of divorce and separation.
I was grateful to my husband that he stuck by me all those years, which bound me even more to him. But I never really loved him. I just thought I wasn’t lovable, so I figured I may as well hold on to him, since another one might not come along. Insane. But I didn’t realize that back then.
My husband was more of an authority figure for me, someone to rebel against. We were never equal. That is nobody’s fault. The chemistry fit, but in the wrong way. Now I want to make the change. I believe it is best for the 4 of us, even though nobody will thank me this year! Maybe 5 years down the line.
I’m just rambling and don’t know anything about the particulars of your relationship. But in any case, be honest with yourself and listen to your heart. I ignored mine, and it just never shut up. Now I see I’ve spent years trying to change the truth, or trying to change myself to fit a truth that is not my reality. Life is strange.
Good luck!
- Martha

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