I ran across some good information here. It made me realize what a blind eye I had turned for so long in a attempt to pretend that life was okay and that my all these distortions would soon pass. With kids, however, that sense of laissez-faire approach to real, pressing issues vanishes. I do struggle with the last part though: “If you are worried that your girlfriend or wife is anorexic, then the first thing you need to do is keep loving her. Try to learn more about the disorder and try to consult with someone as to how to best approach her. Offer to come with her to a doctor’s appointment and either wait outside or see the doctor with her, depending on what she’s comfortable with. Usually there is a very deep-set reason that she has gotten to this point. It didn’t happen overnight and it won’t change overnight either. But more than ever, she needs all of the love and support she can get. Get her a small gift to congratulate her when she is making progress or write her a nice note on a day she is feeling down. While anorexia is very scary, it is also treatable and by continuing to treat her with love, you can be part of the solution.”
What does that mean, to love an anorexic? A bulimic? An alcoholic? All three? I thought I was, but at times it seems that my love is not compelling any change, but rather enabling the diseases. If I love her as is, if I stay and care and nurture, it seems that any impetus to take real, lasting steps to health diminishes. My love is but a crutch that allows here to hobble along without demanding change in herself.
When I feel fed-up, older than my age, desperate, lonely, and foolish for having been blinded by desire (and perhaps by the very love I am support to continue with!) I wonder if it is even possible to love that my wife when she does not take the time to really learn to love herself.
Can it ever be the most loving thing to leave? It feels so selfish and cowardly to imagine. The thought also fills me with twinges of hope and excitement. But I don’t want to abandon her. And yet…I have done the counselling thing. I have done the caring confrontation. I have read books, professional journals, websites. It just does not seem to change. I don’t want my boys to be raised in a split home, but I don’t want them around this sickness either.
So what does it mean to love a person who clings to disease as a lifeline? What does it mean to be a loving, responsible father in such a scenario? What does it mean to be loving towards myself? Can all three merge and be left uncompromised?
The greatest thing you’ll ever learn…
…is just to love and be loved in return.
Hmmm. I can’t give you advice, I can only say that I am very sceptical about all that loving stuff. I was bulimic/anorexic for 13 years and have been healthy for 20. (Physically, at least, the emotional stuff takes longer to sort through — and it comes in layers, because we can’t handle everything at once.) My first impression is the sense of smothering someone with love. I fell in love a few times, and each time thought: “Oh, he’s the answer. Now I’ll recover.” I didn’t recover until I did it for myself. I’m the wrong person to give advice on marriage, as I married the wrong person and am still with him — because of the kids. But this year I am working towards ending the marriage in the most loving way possible, to cause the least amount of damage that is possible within the framework of divorce and separation.
I was grateful to my husband that he stuck by me all those years, which bound me even more to him. But I never really loved him. I just thought I wasn’t lovable, so I figured I may as well hold on to him, since another one might not come along. Insane. But I didn’t realize that back then.
My husband was more of an authority figure for me, someone to rebel against. We were never equal. That is nobody’s fault. The chemistry fit, but in the wrong way. Now I want to make the change. I believe it is best for the 4 of us, even though nobody will thank me this year! Maybe 5 years down the line.
I’m just rambling and don’t know anything about the particulars of your relationship. But in any case, be honest with yourself and listen to your heart. I ignored mine, and it just never shut up. Now I see I’ve spent years trying to change the truth, or trying to change myself to fit a truth that is not my reality. Life is strange.
Good luck!
- Martha
Thanks for the insight to the other side Martha. I see now that we were both playing the little charade: I not knowing the profoundly deep and sticky nature of eating disorders figured I could be the catalyst that compels real change in her life. After all, she said she loved me and love wouldn’t be self-destructive, right? (I think I can hear the stifled, pitying chuckles now) and she had the same thought as you, “Ho, he’s the answer. Now I’ll recover.” She didn’t. Then a few tumultuous years later the birth control pills failed and we were parents. Again, we played our own little game of hope: this beautiful child will surely be the force that heals. Now four years later, I drive my son to school and have to field questions of why mom sleeps so much, acts funny, or wont wake up when they pile toys on her (she has adopted a drinking habit as well…).
Anyway, I am glad to hear you are on the mend. 20 years! Wow. I am impressed you have been healthy for so long and left the eating disorder behind. That is refreshing to hear. I am at the point where I am doubting if she ever will let it go, or if it be how she dies. She vacillates between weeks/months of chain smoking and then long distance running; healthy eating and avoiding alcohol, and binge/purge or fasting…and can”t imagine her tiny frame surviving through it all.